Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp singing for me? Am I in heaven?
I was about to reach out and touch them, I've been dying to see them in person ever since I first discovered RENT (wishful thinking, I know), but to my disappointment, it was just the alarm on my cell phone. I realized that as soon as I was conscious enough to feel that thing vibrate from under my pillow, the song still playing and growing louder the longer I let it stay; I should have known better. They're right on the other side of the world with absolutely no way for me to meet them. Grunting, I turned it off and the silence that followed was more deafening than when it was still on.
I was surprised to see that I had about twenty unread messages in my inbox; I must have been wasted enough not to feel it vibrate while I was asleep. Thinking that my friends must have sent me a lot of quotes, I braced myself for what I was about to read; but when the first name appeared, I scowled. I scrolled down and only one name registered: Chris. Rolling my eyes, I read his first message.
"Hey, Kels. How are you?"
Then the next.
"Kels, please, talk to me. I'm begging you."
And the next.
"Will you please reply? Please, Kels. Please, please, please."
After that, I deleted the rest. He was wasting his time. I don't want to have anything to do with him. Although one question kept ringing in my ears: why does he even bother? Knowing that I'm also wasting my time for even thinking about him, I let it drop.
I was supposed to meet up with my friends so we could do our homework together since we were too tired from yesterday's "exercise" to do them last night. I looked at my phone and it said that it was seven in the morning. Why did it have to be at such a ghastly hour? Knowing that the spiders could possibly show up and start stringing cobwebs on me if I don't get a move on, I climbed down from my bed groggily.
I slept considerably early the night before, but I guess I was more tired than I thought I was. When I got back to our room after I took a bath, Keila nearly ambushed me with questions; it seems that Mindy only told her that we broke up but not why. I gave her the same answer, and she pretty much said the same things as Mindy did and she kept on asking how I was holding up. Really, I'm a big girl, I remember telling her; I can take care of myself. I can handle it. But somehow my voice wasn't as strong as before so it didn't sound as convincing as I wanted it to be; but I think she believed me.
Careful not to wake my still sleeping room mates, I went about my business; went downstairs to take a bath, brushed my teeth, and back to the room to change into my uniform. Our class doesn't start until two in the afternoon but I didn't feel like wearing a shirt and jeans even though we have a lot of time to kill. I don't wanna waste time in going back and forth from the dorm just to change clothes.
I put on my watch and I learned that I was done by quarter to eight; not bad. We were to meet up at the university at eight sharp.
Taking one last look at the mirror to make sure that I've got everything on at the right places; the white polo that covered the upper part of the body, the navy blue knee-length skirt that covered the lower part of the body and my black leather shoes with two-inch heels that covered my feet; I'm not that stupid to put my skirt on my head and my polo around my waist, but since my eyes were still drooping against my will, I'm taking the necessary precautions; and that my hair was tidy, I stepped out of the room and locked the door behind me.
There weren't many people about as I walked down the street. No surprise there, since it was still pretty early. The sun was being covered by thin layers of clouds so it wasn't really hot, which I was so thankful for. I dropped by the nearest 7-eleven store and bought a bottle of water and a sandwich; I don't normally eat breakfast but I did it just so my tummy won't complain later on. The police officer gestured for me to cross as quickly as possible before the cars started rushing in; I followed his instruction and before I knew it, I crossed the boundary of the university.
The library loomed menacingly above me, with its weathered stone carvings and elaborate architecture. It was a known fact that we had the largest and oldest university in the country and I am proud to boast about it. I'm a self-confessed bookworm and it would be blasphemy if I said that I hated it there. It was only on the outside that it looks so ancient; on the inside it was well-equipped with xerox machines, computers with free internet access and air conditioning units on each of the six levels.
And right in front of it, was my building. Nothing much to say about it, except that it's five stories high, it's white and it has a lot of windows. Although the scary thing about it is that the windows on the second to the fifth floor are the ones that you can just open and sit on the edge, no grills at all. But on the first floor, all the windows have grills. Weird, don't you think? There have been stories going around the campus that a lot of students have attempted suicide just by simply jumping off from the fifth floor. But apparently, our college administration has done nothing to prevent them from happening again.
There were three pavilions in front of the library, in between my building and the driveway for cars to pass, where me and my friends decided to meet up. I sat on the side that was facing my building which gave me a clear view of the students coming in, out or just passing by. Leaning my head against the pillar, I took a bite of my sandwich and just zoned out, concentrating on one spot on the blue car that was in front of me.
It didn't surprise me that I was the first one there, seeing as my dorm's just a five-minute walk away; the rest have to commute for half an hour to two hours. I was the only one in the group that stayed in a dorm because all of them lived in the city, while I originally came from the province, some five hours away if you take the bus. But I didn't mind. This was my chance to finally spread my wings and bask in the sweetness of my freedom. I can do whatever I want without my parents telling me off. I have my limits, of course; but its not like I go partying every night and drink until dawn. I try to stay away from such habits that could hinder me and my studies. I'm a goody-two-shoes, what can I say?
I finished my sandwich and drank half of the water I bought along with it; since there was no one to disturb me, it's easier to eat fast. Just as I stowed the bottle in my bag, a hand shot out from somewhere near me, covering my eyes.
"Guess who?" said a deep, disembodied voice, the words coming out in a sing-song way.
I smiled. No matter how old we were, and no matter how childish this gesture may seem to other people, we didn't care. I decided to feign confusion for a while, just for fun.
"Hmmmmmm..let me guess", I said slowly, pretending to think hard. "Are you Hulk Hogan?"
"No. But really close", I could almost hear him smirk as he said that.
I wanted to release the laughter that was threatening to come out of my lips, but I held them in check. "Are you Orlando Bloom?"
"We're related, but no", said the voice.
"Are you Adam Pascal?" I asked eagerly.
"Maybe", he said very slowly. I felt him move closer. "Your eyes, as we said our goodbyes, can't get them out of my mind, and I find, I can't hide.." he sang softly in my ear, his breath hot against my skin.
"Okay, you are so over-doing it, David", I said, emphasizing his name. He finally removed his hand from my eyes and stood in front of me.
"How'd you guess?" he said indignantly, as he put his arms on his waist and looked at me scornfully.
"I was just lucky, I suppose", I said indifferently. He was about five inches taller than me, with broad shoulders, jet black hair that was almost shaved clean off his head, and brown eyes. David, one of Chris' friends.
He laughed. "Yeah, yeah, yeah", he said as he waved his hand around. "It was too obvious anyway".
"As if I can't tell the difference between you and Adam Pascal", I said teasingly. "You were off-tune from the beginning!".
"I tried, didn't I?" he said half-defensively, half-jokingly. "For a minute there I thought you were gonna slap me away", he said and his smile faded a little.
I looked up at his sad expression. "Nonsense!" I said as cheerfully as I could. "Just because our relationship's over doesn't mean that our friendship has to end with it". I gave him an encouraging smile, but he didn't return it.
"But you'll hate me", he said and I saw the pain in his eyes.
"What do you mean?" I said in confusion.
He sighed and sat beside me. He didn't say anything at first but I didn't want to force him to talk unless he was ready; so I let him gather his thoughts. I waited patiently for him to start.
Finally, he turned to me. "I'm sorry", he said, his voice barely more than a whisper.
I wasn't expecting him to say that so he caught me slightly off-guard. "You lost me", I said.
He looked down and he seemed suddenly interested at the patterns on my bag. "I knew that something was going on", he said slowly. "I knew I should have warned you, but I thought that it would go away. You know how he is, he gets these flings that usually last for day before he loses interest. But when he told me what happened to you guys, I couldn't stop thinking that maybe I should have told you so at least you'll have an idea on what was going to happen or you could have ended it first". Then he looked up at me, his eyes full of sincerity, pleading for forgiveness. "I'm so sorry".
My heart melted at his confession. It showed me that even though he was Chris's friend first, he never forgot about me. I knew his intentions were pure and that he wanted to do the right thing, but even his heart told him that it would end and everything would go back to normal. I would have felt the same way if I were him.
I held his hand, and I smiled at him. "There's nothing to forgive", I said warmly. "Please don't blame yourself. It's over now. You couldn't have done anything".
"I could have changed his mind", he said quickly. "Make him forget about that girl and avert his thoughts back to you".
"You and I both know that he can be the most stubborn man in the world and that he hardly changes his mind", I reminded him. "Who knows, he might have already fallen in too deep for him to snap out of it".
He studied my face, then he sighed in defeat. "Your right", he said grudgingly.
I laughed. "I thought that you'd be used to it by now", I said mockingly. "Some friend you are".
Even he couldn't resist himself from chuckling, which was a good sign. But then he sighed and his face fell. "I'll never understand why he broke up with you", he said seriously. "I'd pick you over any other girl anytime".
"Now, now, don't be hasty", I said in a motherly tone. "You haven't met every single girl in the world".
"I know. But I'd pick you over her if I were him. No-brainer", he said as he shrugged.
My hear skipped a beat. Not because of what he said, but the thought that I could finally know who replaced me. But when I opened my mouth to ask, no words came out.
"What's wrong?" asked David.
I shook my head. "It's stupid really". Then I smiled at his questioning look. "I don't even know who the girl is".
He raised his eyebrow. "Really?" he said, in surprise. "He didn't bother to tell you?"
"Actually, I didn't bother to listen as soon as he said we were over", I replied. "I left him standing there before he could say anything about her".
"Do you really want to know who she is?" he asked with a sigh.
"Yes", I answered truthfully.
David studied my face, hoping to find a weak spot so he wouldn't tell me. But I stared back at him determinedly.
"She's Abigail Navarra", he said evenly, but he watched me warily.
I heard a click in my head at the sound of that name. Abigail Navarra. Wait, Abigail Navarra? Even as the name continued to echo in my head, I can't help but recall one of the conversations that Chris and I had about a month ago.
"Don't stay out too late, okay, honey?" I told him.
"You know I won't", Chris said lovingly as he kissed my cheek.
"I hope you and the others actually get something done", I said accusingly as he pulled away.
"We will, we will", he said. "We've got a new member on-board and I don't think she'll let us rest even if we were on the brink of death!", he said as he laughed.
"Really? Who?" I asked.
"Abigail Navarra", he answered dutifully. "She's pretty good. Really nice too".
"That's nice. At least someone will be able to keep you on your feet", I said.
He rolled his eyes. "You are such a worrier".
"That's because I love you", I said innocently, as I batted my eyelashes.
This time, he smiled. He leaned in close, our lips almost touching. "I know", he whispered before closing the gap between us.
He mentioned her. He even praised her.
When he got back, he only said that he and his group did an excellent job and that they got the highest grade. I asked about his group mates and he answered all my questions, but when I asked about Abigail, he casually brushed it away. He never said anything about her again. I thought it was because they had a falling-out, which happens a lot in friendships so that was what I assumed at first. But now, maybe it was his way of being inconspicuous so I wouldn't suspect anything.
Was that a warning? Has he already fallen for her then but I didn't see it coming? I replayed the conversation in my head. There's a possibility. They could have had a one-on-one conversation that night, and more conversations on the following days; they are classmates after all. It all made sense. At the back of my mind, I knew there was this little voice in my head saying that something wasn't right but I shushed it.
I was so stupid. If I'd have listened to that voice then maybe I could have done something about it. I could have confronted him about it. But I stopped. I just realized that I had another flaw: I trusted him. He knew that I would never suspect anything because I loved him too much. He knew that I would never think of anything bad against him because my love for him would blind me from all his mistakes. He knew that I couldn't bring myself to think twice about his fidelity.
"Um, Kels?" David's voice seemed distant, as if he was at the end of the tunnel while I was just about to enter it.
I forced myself to pull back to the present, where David was waiting for my response.
I took a deep breath.
"Are you okay?" He sounded really concerned.
I managed a weak smile. "Yeah, I'm okay". My voice sounded hoarse. I opened my bag and drank what was left of my water.
"You look pale", he observed as I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.
"Pinch me so I'll turn red again", I retorted, but I didn't say it unkindly.
"Maybe I shouldn't have said--" he began but I cut him off.
"No", I said. "No", I repeated, only more gently this time. "I was just thinking".
"What? You had an epiphany or something?" he asked, his eyes still not leaving my face.
"In a way, yes", I chirped in confirmation.
"Do I want to know?" he asked slowly.
"Maybe, maybe not", I said conspiratorially.
He shook his head. "I'll never understand how your mind works", he said.
I laughed. "Okay, okay, I'll tell you", I said. "But don't talk until I'm done. Deal?"
"Deal", he said as he took out his hand and we shook on it.
As I recalled my earlier thoughts, this time for David to hear, I felt relieved. Despite the overwhelming revelation, it didn't hurt me as much as I expected. Maybe, deep down, I knew that the relationship wasn't going to last since, in a way, it was--for the lack of a better word--perfect. And as they say, if its perfect, its not real.
If its perfect, its not real.
I must have realized it sometime during the relationship but I kept on denying with as much fervor as I can muster. We were prefect after all, so what could go wrong? But now that its happened, I don't think there's anything that can hurt me; when it comes to him, at least; now that I've seen him for who he really is. How can I continue to love a man who used my feelings to manipulate me, to make me bend to his every will? Just the thought of it disgusts me.
Its obvious that he's underestimated me. He's probably reaching out because he feels sorry for making me feel bad. He now sees me as a pitiful creature, unloved and unwanted. He's a fool for thinking that I'm not good enough for him. And he will regret the day that he ever thought of such a thing. I'm stronger than he gives me credit for; as you can see from the way I've been behaving. So I cried when we broke up, big deal. You don't see me crying now, do you? I'm already getting over it, and he thinks that I'm wallowing in my self-pity. But he's damn wrong.
And with that idea, I finally felt at peace with myself.
